Prisoner of Love

I’m a prisoner of love, prisoner of love

Just a prisoner of love
I’m just a prisoner of love

A prisoner of love

平気な顔で嘘をついて
笑って　嫌気がさして
楽ばかりしようとしていた

ないものねだりブルース
皆安らぎを求めている
満ち足りてるのに奪い合う
愛の影を追っている

退屈な毎日が急に輝きだした
あなたが現れたあの日から
孤独でも辛くても平気だと思えた
I'm just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

病める時も健やかなる時も
嵐の日も晴れの日も共に歩もう

I'm gonna tell you the truth
人知れず辛い道を選ぶ<
私を応援してくれる
あなただけを友と呼ぶ

強がりや欲張りが無意味になりました
あなたに愛されたあの日から
自由でもヨユウでも一人じゃ虚しいわ
I'm just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

Oh もう少しだよ
Don't you give up
Oh 見捨てない　
絶対に

残酷な現実が二人を引き裂けば
より一層強く惹かれ合う
いくらでもいくらでも頑張れる気がした
I'm just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

ありふれた日常が急に輝きだした
心を奪われたあの日から
孤独でも辛くても平気だと思えた
I'm just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

Stay with me, stay with me
My baby, say you love me
Stay with me, stay with me

一人にさせない

Translation

With an unconcerned face I tell lies
I smile, I’m tired of this
I was only trying to be at comfort

Having the blues for desiring too much
Everyone’s seeking tranquility
Though content they still struggle
Chasing after love’s shadow

The boring days suddenly started to shine
Since the day you came in sight
Even though it was lonely and harsh, it was fine
I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

In sickness and in health
In stormy days and in fine days, let’s walk together

I’m gonna tell you the truth
I’m secretly choosing the harsh road
You cheered me on
You are the only one I call friend

Things like greed and fake courage have become nonsense
Since the day I was loved by you
Even if I’m free or have my own space, being alone makes it futile
I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

Oh, just a little more
Don’t you give up
Oh, I won’t abandon you ever

If the cruel reality splits us apart
We will pull each other even stronger
No matter how much, I felt we could stand firm
I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

My normal days suddenly started shining
Since the day my heart was snatched away
Even if it got lonely and harsh, it was fine
I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

Stay with me, stay with me
My baby, say you love me
Stay with me, stay with me

I won’t leave you alone

Prisoner of Love by Utada Hikaru

Times Like This

Just finished the 3rd final exams paper. Don't know what to say as they were 300 spaces to be blackened in the MCQ answer sheet and 2 short essays to be answered. The time only 2 and half hour... Phew!

As the war isn't over yet, I still got 2 more papers before flying across the South China Sea to go back home and then hello, beaches!

When I got myself home, I was thinking about repainting my room. The colour will be dark brown and ivory. Planning to kill some time at Room in Mid Valley to buy some stuffs to add more flavour in the corner or maybe grab some cute things in Living Cabin. Other than that, I need to get rid of some old stuffs from high school days like my old files and ancient reference books - that was my brother called it. Also I need to get some lightings to live up the atmosphere a bit. But most importantly, I really need to get a new curtains as the old one's a bit tatty I think.

I also need to re-landscaping my mini garden. Thinking to get some rosemary and baby's breath. The backyard also needs attention. I'm gonna clean it up and get some flowers over there. Now it looks so freaking boring.

OMG! I forgot it's holiday! I think I'm going to take my family to some place around Sabah, the National Park, maybe? As it's been a long time since the last time we went there. The views are so beautiful. I may get lucky if I see a Rafflesia at times like this.

Not forgetting to do some shopping with my best friends. Plus, it's their birthdays! What should I get them? Perfumes are boring, dresses are so common, maybe something handmade. That would be lovely. A giant card?

Now that I remember that I need to sit and talk to Mum and Dad about the things that need to be settled down. yeah... I mean things...

Alright, folks! I need to do some final touch for Principles of Epidemiology tomorrow.

Ciao!

When I Look Back...

I was raised in a... I don't know whether my family is perfect or not but I think every family has their own issues, right?

When I looked back at what I've been through for the last 21 years, I never really actually have a lot of good memories to be cherished forever... I've been through hard situations when I was in boarding school where I tried my best to fit in but all I can see back then they - my so-called friends, can't fit with me... All the things I did were wrong and all their thoughts and opinions were right... I had never given a chance to speak for myself, and all they did was pointing out all my mistakes... None of them was trying to help me, guide me, lead me, to be someone better... I was pushed to the corner, I was desperate for a friend... I tried to scream but I felt like I had no voice... So I keep on making mistakes... Hurt people around me that I actually cared so much about them...

After some time, I decided to leave them... and I did. It felt really good...

When I started to make new friends at the new school, I did experienced a lot of new things. Got to know a lot of type of people. But then, again there were a lot of people who didn't like me, why? Just because I took the first place in class? In the whole school?

I tried to ignore all those bad things were said about me, I tried to keep on focus on my studies, but after awhile, I kept on failing... Not really fail those subjects but my grades were getting worst... I don't understand why. After I make some friends, my grades were falling, and the only reason I can guess was I can't keep things on balance. Therefore, after trying to manage some time to balance between fun and studies, I rise up again to be a good student. Well, not to talk big about myself, it's true.

When I got to higher secondary level, I changed to Science stream. I felt like stranger as I got a lot of new classmates and among them was Ogy. She was the nicest person I ever known on earth. She was really cheerful, bright, and the most I like about her was her smile.

Without realizing it, me and Ogy became closer. Well, as we're in the same class, we were practically did almost everything together. Like walking towards the laboratories, going to school cafeteria, and lots of other things. Both of us were having our own circle of friends outside of the class. I was with my classmates from lower secondary who most of them in Religion stream and she was with her classmates also from lower secondary who most of them in Lukisan Teknik - don't know what to call in English, sorry but then we were very comfortable with that. It's like having your own spaces.

Along with us were Hidayah and Janah. So the four of us were also so close back then... At the end of my fourth year in secondary school, it was the second time I felt betrayed by a friend of mine. The first one I was okay with it as things ended in a good way but the the second time was the worst in my life so far. 100% guaranteed.

If you trust someone, you definitely just open up with him, right? You will let yourself expose to him inside and outside, right? Most importantly, you will tell them secrets, right? But in my case, it was her. I was betrayed by her. Though I admit even until now I'm not really that clear with what had happened that time, but what I'm so sure even from the moment I realize that she must be part of the whole thing. Even until now, I still believe it's true. Not only she was taking part in planning the whole thing with someone who I thought an angel was sent from above, she was there watching the plan progressing until the thing just hit me right to my face.

I don't understand. If you are human, I would say that you must have some sort of dignity, pride, honesty, and most importantly, you should realize where your heart is. But for her, I don't even know what was she thinking that time. Is it because she wanted me to go down on my kneel and say she is the queen of the world or is it because she just can't accept me as another human being who have feeling and should I say just like her?

In a nutshell, though it's been more than 4 years already... I don't think I can just act like nothing had happened between us before. Though she can show her face in front of me and act like she didn't do anything wrong, I still can't offer a warm welcome just like what I did back then. I forgive her, yes... a long time a go but I just can't forget. Not like that.

Time goes by and now I'm studying in a nice place and living with nice people. As for me and Ogy, we are still friends though we are studying in a very different place and different courses. I guess we can live with that. Same goes with Hidayah though I don't know what happened with Janah... Still, I always pray that she's gonna be okay no matter what she's doing right now.

To all people out there, those who reading this post, I hope you guys can live with dignity and trust among you. As nowadays we can find corruptions everywhere. Together we remind each other not only if you see other people doing bad things but also a friendly reminder among us that we're not living alone on this Earth... We live together and together we become stronger and do remember that He's watching you... (sounds weird, huh? I'm not talking about aliens okay...)

Have a nice day, people!

Love Letter

I've been lying on this comfy bed for almost half an hour but I couldn't sleep... Though I just came back after spending the whole day in the library, I just can't sleep... Though I feel so tired and exhausted... I still can't close my eyes... I hugged Mr. D tightly, but I still feel uncomfortable... So many things in my head but I don't know what am I thinking right now...

I guess there's something is bothering me... I look outside the window, I can't see the moon tonight... I look at the ceiling, trying to search for something to look at... Nothing...

I look at my watch, it's almost midnight... I wonder why I couldn't sleep... Is it because of the final exams? It's possible though...

Snap! I quickly looked at my watch again... It's midnight and it's 11th of November! Now I remember why I just can't stop thinking about you recently... It's your birthday!

We know each other for 5 years already... but I feel like I've known you long before that... On this special day, I would like to wish you a very happy 21st birthday... I wish all the happiness in the world for you... All the best in everything you do... and mostly, I hope that you can get everything that you wished for...

Honestly, though I never said how I actually felt about you, I just want you to know that I do really care about you... Though you can't really tell from the way I look at you...

Do you still remember the first time we talked to each other? I can't forget that day... You refused to help me in Physics, though you were good at it back then... It's the first time I felt so rejected, you know? We never talked again after that day until the day you showed me your drawings to me and I felt so amazed with it...

If you notice, I never talk to any other person like the way I talk to you... Though you never look at me straight to my eyes, that's the thing I like the most about you... When you express your thoughts, you always be honest and selfless... Though you tried so hard like you know all the things in the world... But I always know that you were innocent... You never talked highly about yourself... You always said there are other people who are better than you...

If you ask me, I don't even remember since when I started to like you... I never actually realize the feeling that I had for you is that special... I just thought that the feeling will go away after awhile.. But it didn't... It never did... I thought it's just a simple crush... or I just infatuated... We were in high school... But I don't know why I acted so mature back then...

Now, after all these years... I still can sense your presence here with me... Though you are so far away from me... and all those things that happened back then, I feel like it just happened yesterday...

Truthfully, I always wished that things didn't turned the way like what happened last time...

I always wanted for things that happened between us didn't end like that...

So on this special day, your birthday... I would like to take this day where I finally say to you... and I'm sorry for taking this long to finally to be able say it in front of you...

I Love You... I Miss You... and I Really Need You... E.F. ...

With Love,

NMJ

Do I Have To Follow What They Say?

Basically now I'm at the end of my first year means I did 2 long semester and I did an extra short semester to do language and religion studies. So far I did 8 Core Courses, 2 University Required Courses, 2 Faculty Required Courses and 2 Service Courses...

That are the facts... But honestly, I feel like it's been so many years since I enter this university life! Tiring and exhausting but only a bit exciting...

While doing my foundation, there was one time where I think Architecture is kind of interesting but also very tiring. I saw my roommate - an Architecture student, slept for only a few hours a week, a lot of projects to be done, assignments to be submitted and lots of other things to be done. I'm not complaining but as a Science student, I also have assignments to do, lab reports to be submitted, model constructions, and lots of other things... But I don't know why I don't find this course I'm doing right now is not interesting as I can see in Architecture...

I never actually dream to be an Architect. But before I finished my foundation studies, I grow deep interest towards Architecture. If I saw a very interesting building, not only looking at it for a very long time, I can imagine the blue prints of the building, how the building looks on papers, what are the material used to build it and lots of other things... But mostly, I enjoy the designs of buildings...

Generally, I really like Architecture as a whole, but if I want to be specific, I love interior designing especially for homes. I also think Japanese tea house has great interior design. Every thing inside and outside of the house mean something.

So now, I really don't know what to do. I asked Mum about it, she just said just think for a bit and consider what you've done for the last 3 years - in Foundation and in here... But it's not that I just going to throw everything away. I can still transfer some of my credit hours as I'm still going to be in the same university, I can resell my books that I bought for around RM1000 for second hand price and get at least 50% back. Well, money isn't a problem here. What matter is the thing I'm going to do in future.

Think about this.

If I were an architect, I can involve in my family business easily. When I got accepted in Engineering Faculty, I refuse to get in as it's so NOT my interest to be an engineer. But my Dad said if I were an engineer, I can help with the business. But I didn't think of Architecture during that time so I took Science in Biology as I really love Biology - Anatomy to be specific. So now, I think it's shouldn't be a problem, right?

I've been doing all the things my parents want me to do - it's for my own goodness, I know. But all this time I really did what they asked me to do. When I want to go to an ordinary school, they said boarding school was better, when I want to change my stream to religion studies, they said stay in Science stream, when I said I want to got to KPM's Matriculation, they said IIUM's Matriculation - now Centre for Foundation Studies was better, changing from Department of Biotechnology to Biomedical Science was my own choice but they didn't go against it, and now I want to change to Architecture for the sake of them, and they say NO?

It's not that I'm feeling angry or anything but I'm trying not to be emotional about this.

I'm trying so hard to be rational but I just still can't understand any of this.

Oh God the Almighty, I seek for your guidance...